Parenting is hard work! When I thought of becoming a mom, I often envisioned parenting as me holding my baby, loving and caring for them, always smiling, always giving my best. This was such a fantasy when talking about the reality of parenting. Once I began having kids, I was hit with the harsh reality of what parenting really is. I learned pretty quickly that my idea of parenting and my reality of parenting were two different things, especially once my firstborn started interrupting my sleep and crying for what I thought was no reason. In addition to all of this, amongst other things, it wasn’t until my firstborn turned 5 years old that I realized that babies grow up and become little people. I can remember so vividly when this epiphany hit me. My son and I had made it home after a pretty busy day of work, school, some extracurricular activities and church. While winding down and reflecting over my day, I realized that my son really has his own little life, outside of me, his dad and our little sacred home. He was participating in football and soccer and we were well in the swing of “big boy” school. It hit me like a ton of bricks and it was at this point that I realized I would have to be more intentional about treating him like someone’s husband and dad, opposed to treating him like “my baby.”
This was reaffirmed when I went to church that following Sunday and my pastor charged us with the challenge of parenting our children like we are raising men/women that would become parents and partners themselves. Because I am the passive parent and I love the idea of treating my kids like my babies instead of adults, it took some time for me to embrace the concept that I am raising someone’s husband and dad; and essentially adjust my approach to parenting that would influence and set my son up to be efficient at both. As my son has grown older, I’ve learned to respect him as a person that will one day become an adult too. Although this is much easier said than done, I’ve learned to allow him space to grow into who he is without projecting onto him, my idea of who I want him to be.
The reason I say parenting is hard, is because it takes a certain level of wisdom and skill to allow space for developing kids to be who they but provide them with credible guidance when opportunities present themselves. This has been the ultimate challenge for me as a mom, especially being a mom to a pre-teen; because I always have something to say when I see my son doing or saying something that I feel isn’t correct or when I think that he is on the receptive end of something I would not tolerate. What I’m learning, as daughter and as a mom is that I would rather create a safe space for my son to trust me and talk to me rather than to put fear in him that could potentially cause him to hide things from me. Respect as a human is what I believe gives children the validation and where-with-all to trust adults enough to talk to us as they get older. And this is the goal for me.
I recently heard the saying that “the days are long and the years are short when raising children.” I didn’t quite get this until my oldest turned a decade this year. It seemed like I just had him and I looked up on his tenth birthday like “how did we get here?” I suddenly realized that I have less time with him in the home with me physically as well as less time until he has free will to make his own decisions. The thought of this makes me a little sad because I still see him as my little baby, even though he’s growing into a young man that will one day have a family and children of his own, if he chooses to. This prompted me to embrace and accept that time waits for no one.
As long and sometimes, as hard as my days are with three little kids, a full time job and full to-do list, I realize that each day is a gift and an opportunity for me to show up as my best self and make a honest effort to influence my children in the best ways. There have been several times where I have been out and I’ve run into an “empty nester” who looks at me with my little chaotic kids, smile and advises me to take it all in because it goes fast. As I look at the person, sometimes seeing straight through them, I find it hard to see past the constant interruptions, overwhelming vying for attention, never ending piles of dishes and unfolded laundry staring back at me on a daily basis; and this statement becomes harder to believe in the moment.
Since March 2020, marking the beginning of COVID-19, life forced many of us to slow down and appreciate the value of life that comes from those closest to us. In many cases, if you’re a mom, the people closest to you were your children. No matter how annoying they are, you can’t help but look at them and be proud of one thing alone, that you’re somebody’s momma and that there are little people depending on you to figure things out and show up every day. I know for me, on days when I don’t cross everything off my to-do list for that day or resolve every issue I was confronted with in my professional life, I find solace in knowing that I’ve done something right. I’ve cared for and kept my babies sustained through another day. And sometimes that’s enough! There are always lessons to be learned when living life, but especially when parenting. As parents, we are always growing with our children, we can always count on that. The essential thing is that we give ourselves grace as we learn and grow.