It wasn’t until after I became a mom that I realized the things I took for granted as a child-less human. When I came to this awakening, I had so many emotions; sadness, regret, grief, and anger just to name a few. Many of these emotions stemmed from the fact that, although I was surrounded by so many wonderful women growing up, none of them disclosed to me the debts and hardcore truths of transitioning from a child-less woman and entering into one of the most challenging callings on earth, motherhood. Now in their defense, many of these women are apart of the baby boomers generation and were not as expressive as us millennials are.
As rewarding, loving and fun as motherhood can sometimes be; it can be equally overwhelming and exhausting. Considering this, I am sometimes find myself reminiscing over my younger, careless, selfish and egocentric self; pre-babies. I’ve often heard the expression that the grass is greener where you water it; as true as this is, I could not help but morn the grass I left along with my snatched body pre-baby!
So if you find yourself reading this post, take this as your warning; an unadulterated truth about motherhood-if you will, especially if you have not dared to enter into this space yet. My hope for this post is to provide information to a new mom, a girl that is thinking about becoming a mom or to the mom who shares this disdain for the things that were not disclosed to us. I am virtually hugging you right now!
Here we go:
Sleep Deprivation
The first thing I wish I’d known before becoming a mother is the amount of sleep I would lose. The amount of sleep we lose as moms should absolutely be a crime. Especially for those of us who don’t have a village or a very limited village. I remember at my first son’s baby shower, there was a box filled with little notes that had advice from the guests that had attended. After the baby shower, I remember reading through each note. Although I can not recall much of that information now, there was one note written by my aunt that said “get your rest niece.” My young 22 year old self thought nothing of it as I read this note. I laughed and placed it back in the box. Little did I know, that little piece of information would find itself in a blog post almost 10 years and 2 kids later. I vividly remember being in shock after having my first son. Out of my three children, he was the only child that required a party during the 4th watch of the night. He started this cycle out of the womb; after demanding the attention of everyone in his presence for 10-12 regular hours of the day, he had the audacity to wake completely up between 1am and 3am to play “pat-a-cake” and “peek-a-boo.” Even with me staying with my mom (I stayed with my mom for the first 2 months of my first son’s life because I had no idea what I was doing and I was scared, don’t judge me.) I remember feeling completely exhausted, tired and defeated. So much so, that one morning, my mom came into my room and got my son so that I could catch up on some sleep. Even with that help and extra time to sleep in, I felt like I had not slept enough and like my rest was not efficient because my baby was not in the same room with me. Which brings me to my next point.
Your child/children live in your mind rent free
I often say becoming a mom is like opening up pandora’s box because once it’s open, there is no turning back! One thing that I absolutely underestimated before having children was the fact that I will always be concerned with their well-being, no matter the circumstances. My son often expresses how good of a mom I am to he and his siblings, in the same breath, he refers to me as the “second best mom.” He goes on to express how my mom is the “first best mom.” Being raised by her, I absolutely agree with his expression! She is one of a kind and one of the best to ever mother! I often refer to her as the “queen mother” because she is just that good, that patient and that loving! Even with the knowledge, lived experience of being raised by her, and honor I hold for her, I still worry about my babies when I leave them with her. I am sure there may be an explanation and/or theory for this, but for me, I can say that this comes from a place of knowing that no one can care for my kids like I can. I mentioned in a previous post that there is no perfect family and that, as adults, we are all recovering from some kind of family dysfunction. Considering this, what I have learned as a parent is that my perspective about parenting differs from that of my parents. So things my parents may have allowed me to do/have during my upbringing, I don’t want for my children and some things they may have restricted during my upbringing, I may allow for my children to do/have. This is, by no means, an effort to bash my parents but more so to acknowledge a difference in perspective and implementation of parenting. Because more than anything, we all know that grandparents DO THE MOST and a lot of WHAT THEY WANT TO DO when it comes to their grandkids. I have said all of this to say, once you have kids, they don’t go away, the desire for their wellbeing doesn’t go away and even if/when they do go away physically; they continue to live in your mind RENT FREE!
To heal the child inside of me first:
This is one thing that I think that most people “feel” but don’t always have the words to express before having children. Most people often express “waiting until I am ready” before having children. Subconsciously, I believe that we all know prior to having children, there are certain areas of our lives that we would like to improve, challenges we would like to overcome, traumas we would like address and heal from, and family cycles we would like to stop before bringing a life into the world. Although, I do believe that there is no “perfect time” to become a mom, I do believe that there are more optimistic times, than not, to enter into the world of motherhood. Becoming a mom, from my experience, will trigger a lot of childhood memories and experieces; both good and bad. Because of this, if you have the privilege of preparing and healing your inner child prior to becoming a parent, I would recommend doing so. The reason I say this is because, failure to do this, will often lead to us continuing the cycle of passing down those same unpleasant lived experiences that we had as children. Furthermore, reinventing toxic cycles that we want to rid ourselves of. As a result, these toxic cycles could negatively influence and impact the relationships we build with our children, therefore, creating challenges for them to build healthy relationships with others as they evolve in the world.
If you are a mom or thinking about becoming a mom, I hope that you find this information helpful. If you are already a mom and some of this information resonates with you, understand that it is never too late to improve ourselves or those we influence, especially our children!