Like most moms, I had a plethora of ideals about motherhood and how I would raise my children before becoming a mom. Ideals like, my children will only eat the healthiest foods, they won’t have more than a couple of hours of screen time each day, they will be rule-followers, and when I discipline them, I will never raise my voice, ect. Once I became a mom, many of these ideals where thrown out of the window, and I was forced to face what parenting is, in action; intense, impromptu, uncertain, and HARD WORK. After making it through the first year I was TIRED, bruised and battered because children are relentless and parenting is as exhausting as it is rewarding. So after having more children over the years, I finally gave myself the gift of grace and here is why.
- There is no manuscript for parenting! In fact, all the preparation in the world did not prepare me for what I consider the most significant role of my life, motherhood. There were many times on this parenting journey where I wish I could look in a book and it tell me what I needed to do in that moment for my child. Because there wasn’t, I felt completely lost and was ultimately faced with the fact that, I, along with my support system, would have to figure it out. This was daunting to me in the reality of this epiphany and it was not until I came to this realization that I understood, as parents, we are all winging it. We are at the submission of our lived experiences from interacting with our parents/caregivers and the knowledge that we acquire over time. Furthermore, it allowed me to extend grace to my own parents. Which brings me to my next point.
- All moms are recovering from some form of dysfunction from the environment we were raised in. No matter how blissful and carefree our childhood was, no family is perfect and therefore, we all experienced some form of dysfunction at some point or another in our childhood. Considering this, having children often awakens the child in us and, in most cases, forces us to begin working through unpleasant experiences that we may or may not have realized were issues. It is at this place we identify toxic patterns in our own behaviors that causes us to lie awake at night, feeling guilty, like our kids deserve better parents; which is completely absurd because God gave them us because He equipped us with what we needed to provide for them. Who are we to question our creator, the one who knows both us, and our children better than we know ourselves. Coming to this realization made me realize just how important therapy is, especially for moms. Therapy is essential to identifying these unpleasant childhood experiences, understanding the effects that these experiences had on us, unlearning and relearning ways to begin working towards the person and the parent we aspire to be.
- Moms needs grace because parenting is a lifetime job that never ends. I can’t speak for anyone else, but I grew up in an era where I believed that once an individual turns 18, they are grown and are no longer their parents’ responsibility. This is a complete LIE. In addition to this, there are so many unspoken truths about motherhood that I wasn’t made aware of until I became a mom. Like the well-being of my children living rent free in my mind at all times; even when they are in the best of care by someone that I would trust my own life with. So not only do these little broke besties occupy our physical space, they also do decathlons in our minds! How parents, especially moms, get no guaranteed off days, sick days, and if you are a stay at home mom, you legit have to watch your kids FOR FREE, ALL THE TIME. These are just a few, among many. This brings me to my next point.
- Moms need grace because we are often wearing many hats at one time. From my lived experience, moms are often the keepers of the home and are responsible for keeping everyone’s schedules, making sure they are on task, cooking, providing some form of education, primary or supportive, and cleaning, In addition to all of this, many of us work and some of us have the audacity to be entrepreneurs, bosses and leaders in our profession. Just being great; raising the next generation and running the world! I SEE YOU! As much as I love to see this, what I love even more is seeing moms take care of themselves. I believe that God created us Human BEINGS, not Human DOINGS for a reason! It genuinely brings me joy when I see a mom that gives herself grace to “just BE.” We are living in a day and age where women are dying as a result capitalism and poor self-care. Traditionally, moms are the ones that make sure everyone else is okay, while we suffer, alone and silently.
For these reasons, I believe self-care, especially for moms, is SO important. We have to be responsible and accountable to ourselves, FIRST. I strongly denounce self-care being driven by the notion that we take care of ourselves for the sake of taking care of others. We should care for ourselves, for the sake of caring for ourselves because we deserve it, we don’t need a reason. We have to create a community of moms that endorse and promotes the idea of self care being a necessity, not a reward. Extending grace to ourselves and each other!